The World Keeps Turning...

Photography puns aside, my life feels out of focus. Everyone tells you that life goes on, that the world keeps turning, even if you stand still, and that is true. I feel like I have to go with the flow and the rotation of the Earth and all that, but it's making me a little dizzy.

I haven't taken many pictures this week, and perhaps that's why I'm feeling a little ungrounded. I should get out on my lunchbreak tomorrow and snap some pics of the river near my workplace. Today I sat and contemplated the turtles sunning themselves and then dipping back into the water for a swim. I have to admit feeling a little jealous as I sunned myself in my business-casual attire on the riverbank, trying to extract joy and relaxation and sunshine from every moment before I had to go in and wither under the fluorescent lights.

I have a new job, in case I failed to mention. That's really how much I care beyond the obvious need for a paycheck. However, the people in this place are really nice and the job is at least marginally more interesting and doesn't call for me to consistently question my morals and the state of health-care in this country, like denying medications to elderly people on Medicare did at my last job.

This week has flown by. I always think on Mondays that it will drag on forever, but the days have gone conveniently by, and work hasn't seemed too much of an imposition on my actual life, although it has robbed me of much needed sleep a couple of times this week. I have been out a couple of times with the aforementioned guy with whom I went on a date the day after my birthday. I guess I'm getting to know him now, and I still find him interesting and fun to hang out with. I have zero expectations and I hope he has zero expectations of me, but the time has passed with great conversation, good laughs, good food, lots of beer and a movie or two. He is very smart, as I've said before, and also extremely sweet, but genuinely above-board about his life and his situation in it. He's not too happy with his life either, and like me, not really in the place he wants to be, so we have something in common there, and it's nice to talk about how to improve our relative situations. I don't know how I feel about any of it, but I went out with him on Monday, and I actually (gasp) called him to suggest Happy Hour imbibing yesterday, which turned into a much later night than I had bargained for. Oh well, I can sleep when I'm dead, right.

There's no word from the ex-boyfriend (The Aforementioned Man Who Unceremoniously Dumped Me, or AMWUDM) - a friend of mine called it "radio silence," and that's a pretty good way of describing it. He booted me from Facebook, which I suppose was expected, although I'm surprised it took him so long. Perhaps my posts were annoying him, although I suspect they were doing something else, but hey, I won't get into it.

I've been honest, to a fault I think, with this new guy (we'll call him New Guy I'm Hanging Out With or NGIHOW) and I came up with a drunken, yet appropriate analogy in which I compared my heart recently to the post WWII ravaged fields of France, which has now naturally progressed into the Cold War. I think honesty is the best policy. I haven't promised him I won't freak out at some point - there goes the Cold War analogy again - and I have said explicitly that I am simply not capable of a deep emotional connection with anyone right now. My heart has not been set right, and there are certain things that will have to happen before it will be. Right now, I am in a period of stasis. I don't actively feel any healing going on, and I don't think I will, but I am learning coping mechanisms and I am learning to just do, even if I don't feel - perhaps that will come later. That goes for relationships, getting out of bed in the morning, remembering to eat, laugh, and see the good surrounding me - I am going through the motions, but generally I still envy the turtles and their easy life and that convenient shell under which to hide.

Booze, Milkshakes and Hand-Cut Fries!

This was my first experiment with the Diana in 2008. I got up ridiculously early one morning, back when I was with my ex-boyfriend from a couple of years ago. He was pissing me off as usual, and I was finding it very difficult to sleep, so I decided to get the hell out of the house and take the Diana with me, do some grocery shopping, and take some pictures on the way. These are of Charlotte Pike in West Nashville. I think I made it to Publix by seven that morning, so these were probably taken around 6:30 in the morning. I've always had a "thing" for taking pictures of signs, as you can probably tell. I still was not too cognicent of the very real possiblity of light leaks, as you can see, but lately, steps have been taken to eliminate this annoyance. However, the pictures do have a dreamy Nashville of the Past quality that I'm still striving for lately. There are these little peeps into life in Nashville in the early 20th century and I love seeking them out and resurrecting them somewhat.

Ah, Bobbie's Dairy Dip, how I miss living within walking distance of you. How I miss your hand-cut fries and pineapple-banana milkshakes (Claire sheds a little tear).

My Response to Mr. N.

I love the points Mr. N. brought up, and even though he intended them as "an argument," they really validated what I was saying. I don't think film in itself is inherent to true camera knowledge, but rather, I believe that having manual control over your shutter speed/ISO/aperture gives you an insight into the way light works, whether you are working with light hitting a piece of film or a digital sensor. I love the way he has explained how working with the manual focus and a low aperture has forced him to become more creative in his portraits of tango dancing. I am sure that shooting inside and shooting moving and unpredictable subjects in low light forces choices that otherwise would just make it easier to shoot the more conventional way with a pop up flash and action stop. Here, as he said, you have to plan for mistakes and learn what works and what doesn't, and I'm a believer that only that absolute control can really give you that, just like only driving a manual car can give you insight into the way a car shifts gears.

He also said that as he shoots more, although he still manipulates in photoshop, (which I am learning too), that he finds he has to manipulate less and less. I totally agree with this - as you learn the control, you learn to get it right the first time, because you inherently know what will work and what is beyond the realm of real possibility, but you also learn, with this, what IS within the realm of possibility and you learn to make creative choices based on aperture and shutter speed, and you can picture the kind of photo you're going to get. This does guide your choices. You can say: I know I have a shallow depth of field, but I know I can capture this movement and I can capture one particular piece of it, so that might make a more interesting photograph than capturing the whole scene.

I am curious what happens if he employs a pop flash with this, or what happens if his camera has rear flash synch (yay, great modern invention). If you pop a flash manually, you don't have to worry too much about aperture and it gives you the freedom to be more creative visually. But the rear synch flash would make the motion make sense, even though you would sacrifice the weird unpredictable bulb/pop flash thing. So hey, Mr. N., I challenge you to the results.

I would like to say that I would love him to post some of his pictures on here to illustrate what he is learning.

I always find those kind of situations challenging, and as you can probably see from my current photo postings, I shy away from taking pictures of people, and I have a lot to learn. It's something I've never been good at and I would love to see how his pictures progress as he gets more comfortable with the method and with the people. I'm hoping he can teach me something.

And Mr N., I too have a 50mm lens with a 1.8 that I haven't busted out yet, but it is an amazing lens - I once heard that 50mm is the closest to how we actually remember the scenes in our lives, and that's why it was so popular, but that super-shallow aperture gives such a dreamy quality that can't be equaled. I'm currently in love with my 2.8 24mm lens, but I shall have to dig out the old 50mm and give it a try too, especially when I get a chance to take pictures of people.

My Friend Mr. N.'s Response to My Manual SLR Smackdown

Just wanted to say hi and that I like reading your blog. I knew you wrote, but I wasn't sure where the url was ... I saw it in your wall to wall response to Elizabeth. I didn't know about the break up. I'm sorry to hear that ... I guess I'm a bit out of the loop down here. It does sound like you have good friends around you and I know that that helps a lot.

Reading your posts makes me want to play with film again. I've nearly done it several times, but usually end up with my D50. That said, about six months ago I did wipe the dust off of my dad's old Nikon EM from '79 (which I've had with me since high school). While I haven't used it yet (lately), I did grab the 50mm/F1.8 manual focus lens off of it and have been shooting completely manually with my D50 since last November.

I know that doesn't really count as analog, but I have been learning a lot about my camera. With tango events being the main subject of many of my photographs, low light and lots of motion have been challenging; esp. with the manual focus. I didn't have as much formal training as you in the days of film, but at least I got my foot in the door back then, so I feel I have a vague idea of ISO equivalents, color temperature/white balance, etc ... and I feel a fully manual digital is letting me play around enough to where I am getting more confident and comfortable with that lens, esp in the areas of shutter speed and ISO; its usually dark in the room so I often leave the aperture at F1.8, but I do stop it down when I need to.

At the same time, I know your slide film challenge would probably kick my ass. But who knows, maybe a few would come out :P ... I figure its not like your relationship with your FE2, but nothing gives me images like that little old 50mm lens, I love the shallow depth of field and tons of light from the F1.8 aperture.

I do still tweak the crap out of many of them in iPhoto or PS, and I know thats cheating, but I guess I look at it as photography as an art form vs. photography as a way to celebrate my friends and events of our lives, where in the latter, a little post process "fixing" is ok if it makes photos of my friends closer to how I felt when I took the picture. That said, the more I practice the less photoshop I have to do, so hopefully some of it I can consider "art of photography." Ultimately, I would like to have my two fake categories converge so that I wouldn't have to B.S. such an argument; ie I just need to be better so I don't have to play with levels anymore.

Most of my corrections are with exposure, but often I like applying a black and white gradient mask and manipulating color channels below it to simulate color filter lenses with black and white film. I've tried to use something like an R2 filter before with my D50 and it just goes to hell fast. I think there are some reds the CCD just can't handle. I've seen this in roses and other red flowers before. My point was though, that often I like to push the image to where the light looks just a little odd (say in a black and white image). I love the way black and white infrared film looks (I know I should just go buy some).

So anyway ... I hope thing work out for you and I'm glad that photography gives you peace of mind. I always enjoy looking at your work. (And still jealous of all your old cameras ... the TLR looks so cool.)

Malaise

Tonight I went out with my favourite gays to eat Indian food. Somehow I still managed to order a concoction of chicken and bread. What is it with me lately? That's still basically all I can eat, or all I want to eat. I hadn't been to Bombay Palace in a while, and I really love that place - if you live in Nashville, you should give it a try - the chicken tikka is pretty amazing.

I have a new job, for which I am grateful, as far as the money issue goes, but this working 8-5 day in, day out thing has me thinking about what I want from my life and what I need from a job. The whole set-up just leaves me feeling empty - there's nothing to think about when I come home. I just go in, mindlessly complete the tasks set out for me, and come home. I can see how some people could find that somewhat freeing, but I just bemoan the lack of vocation it takes. I'm trying to at least get some adjunct teaching gigs, and I feel like the flexible schedule plus the creativity and control over my own classroom is much more in line with my personality and with who I need to be. Except for showing up to teach class at an assigned time, I can do grading and planning on my own schedule, and I really like having that freedom. Right about now, the colleges are starting to think about hiring professors for next semester, and some might even have summer classes. All my applications are in, and I am going to start bugging them this week. The squeaky wheel approach has worked wonders for me in the past. I can't continue to do a job that requires so little from me mentally and has me boxed in for eight plus hours a day in a room full of cubicles and no windows. Is that what life is really about?

Don't talk to me about pipe dreams either. I just want to get out of here - just take off travelling around the country. I know it's highly impractical, but my brain is cooking up escape plans, some more ludicrous than others, but I don't want to look back at my life and think about all the things I wanted to do but didn't because I was afraid, or because I worried what other people would think. I always wanted to be the person who did the things other people just talk about. If those things are somehow within my means, I should at least consider the possibility of making them happen. It just seems that the world is such an interesting and unpredictable place, and I am stuck here, travelling the same route every day to and from work to sit looking at the same cubicle walls and computer screen. Something will have to give soon or I may go crazy.

I am so behind on film developing that I'm almost scared to take more pictures. I wanted to go out tonight, but I now have six rolls that I can't afford to get processed. I have to slow it down some. I can just take them and just have a backlog, I suppose. Next week, when I get paid for an entire week, I will start chipping away at the mountain of canisters. I have mostly 35mm, so at least those are cheap to get processed and scanned and they do produce more numerous results than the medium format, but lately, my heart lies with the high resolution and the retro delight of the square image. There's just something so deliciously restraining about composing within a square - it makes you think differently, and if there's something I need right now, it's the new and different.

Part of my malaise is because I was supposed to go out on a date tonight - well I don't know if it was a date or just a hanging out kind of deal, and I was actually looking forward to it. Last time I got out of a relationship, I didn't do the whole rebound thing, and I really don't want to this time, but it just feels good to go out and hang out with a straight guy and have good conversation, so I was a little disappointed when his life got in the way, but hey, it can't be helped.

Chasing Waterfalls

I just got home from a fabulous trip to Georgia this weekend. After I lost my job last Monday, the original plan was to drive down to Blue Ridge on Thursday or perhaps Friday morning, but a new temp job came through on Wednesday night, so I couldn't leave until after work on Friday. My good friend and former roomie, Miss C. and her boyfriend, Mr. G. moved down there a month ago. He is caretaker of a huge house and vast acreage on the lake, and they are now living quite nicely in the "guest house," the expanse of which would swallow my house threefold. They have a waterfall outside their window. I can't imagine a more idyllic and relaxing setting.

Now, Blue Ridge is in the middle of nowhere, and that kind of isolation isn't for everyone, but it's been a long time since I've felt that relaxed, and it seems like the two of them are basking in the mellow lifestyle. It's about a four-hour drive from Nashville, and I started out from here just after six. Of course, you lose an hour driving east, so I expected to arrive about 11 or so. Those of you who know me know that I'm a human GPS system and possess an uncanny knack for knowing where I'm going, but I decided to use the real GPS system on my way down there, partly because Miss C. said it was tricky to find and partly because my car's speedometer no longer functions and a GPS is handy for telling me how fast we're travelling on long trips.

Here's my tip for the day: Never let machines think for you.

The GPS was doing swimmingly until about twelve miles outside Blue Ridge. It was pitch black and I couldn't read the written directions even if I wanted to, but I knew I was getting close. The GPS told me to turn off the main highway onto a small road - this felt weird to me- but I figured it knew better than I did. Big mistake! I started up a mountain (or at least a very tall hill) down a narrow, windy road, and as this was eleven o' clock at night, on my own, in strange territory, with no cell signal, I started to second guess the GPS a little. However, I kept trucking. Suddenly, the road disappeared and was replaced by a gravel "road." There were houses scattered around and I just kept going - the GPS told me I had nine miles to go- and I thought the road would become paved again soon. Nope. My little VW soldiered through 4.5 miles of windy, narrow gravel mountaintop road before we reached paved territory again. I swore I could hear the banjos. The GPS had led me on a shortcut that took me twice as long (max. speed 15mph on gravel), completely bypassed the town, and brought me directly to the lake. It took the "take shortest route" command literally - screw paved roads!

I took four rolls of film this weekend, which of course, I am excited to get processed and imported in so I can share them with you, oh faithful readers. However, there have been several short breaks in my employment lately, so the photo-fun-fund is running a little low. Sorry to try your patience, oh diligent ones, but I will post pics as soon as I can.

Ireland, May 2008 with a Diana

Mr. B. and I had a fascination with these windmills. I had tried to find some near Tralee a few years before and my seach proved fruitless. However, many tiny windy roads later, we managed to track these down. As you get closer to them, they feel like they are moving away, sort of like that dream in which you're walking down a hallway and it keeps getting longer.

How beautiful is this sky? These pictures were all taken with a Diana, which I had no clue how to use at the time. Some came out square, some came out rectangular, some have light leaks, some don't. But, I got what I got.

Don't Go Chasing Windmills

Mr. B. and I spent an entire afternoon trying to find these windmills. They are easy to see from a distance, but once you get close, they become much more elusive.

However, when you do get right up underneath them and you can hear the swishing of the blades, they're really impressive. Ireland is definitely the right place to take advantage of wind energy!

Ireland with a Diana, Continued

Here's the picture of Ballybunion Castle, superimposed on Ballybunion Castle. I have no idea what happened, and I kind of wish the light leak wasn't there - I know it's a risk you run when using a cheap plastic camera, but I am still too much of a perfectionist to actually like it. Still it's a cool accident and one I'll probably never be able to reproduce, so I can live with it, crop it, or photoshop it out.

This is Banna Strand, right on the mouth of the Shannon estuary. You can see a sliver of the wheels of our rental car on the left side. Damn light leaks again!

This might be Beale Strand, but I'm not entirely sure. The light matches the other picture I know is taken there, so that's my best guess.

I love this picture of Beale strand. It's right before sunset, which would have been pretty late at this time of year. It shows the wildness of the coastline and makes me homesick.

Birthday Fun

So Monday was my birthday. I lost my job, just before I was supposed to go out and celebrate with friends. I decided to not worry about it and go out and have fun, but it was difficult to fake/try to make reality a good mood, at first. But, my lovely, wonderful friends were there, full of joy and good wishes for me. People came out whom I did not expect and it was a nice little evening, and the cheer and the beer gradually lifted my mood out of the doldrums. I was in the atrium at the Flying Saucer and I noticed the gorgeous sunset light outside, so I went to my car, got my FE2, and took more pictures of Union Station. I also took some pictures of my friends inside and some interior shots of the atrium. I'm switching to 35mm for now, because I haven't worked consistently for the past three weeks and medium format takes a heavy toll on the old pocketbook, but I can't wait to get back to it. Miss B. and I went to the Villager afterwards, where I got asked out by someone whom I was speaking with last week. He didn't ask me for my number then, but he got up the gumption on Monday. It probably helped that I looked ridiculous drinking Shiner Bock from a large dogbowl (it's a birthday tradition at the Villager - free beer in a dogbowl).

So last night I went out on a date. Totally unexpected, and I did have a good time. I told him not to have any expectations of me, and he said he was willing to just go along with me and have fun - no pressure - just good conversation and no emotional heaviness. I cannot write tonight. I want to get this all down, but the words aren't flowing very well. I apologize. He's a good listener and a good conversationalist and he's smart, and that is a prerequisite for my interest. I am probably going out with him next week sometime, and I'm happy about it, but I'm not able to feel too much of anything for anyone right now - but perhaps that's good.

I am tired and not making much sense. I have more pictures to post, but I am spacing them out a little until I can get more film processed. I don't want to give up all the goods at once - I'm not that kind of girl.

Frist and Union Station - First Pics with the Zeiss

Here's my first attempt at using the Zeiss. Sorry I'm not really going in order. The camera was kind of sticky for this first roll, so I didn't get a lot of salvagable pictures - perhaps only four or five, but that's the nature of re-breaking in an old camera, and I wasn't too upset by the result. It was earlier in the day and sunnier than when I'm usually comfortable shooting, but the lens flare adds an interesting, if unintended touch. I went back and shot some more with the Diana, but I would really like to take pictures there again at the magic hour just before dusk and post the results so you can see the difference. The Zeiss is a really slow camera: max f-stop is f16 and max shutter speed is 1/250, so shooting in full sunlight doesn't allow much creative choice except "sunny 16 rule."

Manual SLR Smackdown!: New Reality Show.

I know I have been waxing nostalgic about my Nikon FE2, but a little Internet research backs up my claim. My FE2, from 1983, commands a higher price on Ebay than my Nikon F100, which cost about $1200 new in 1999. I really wanted a professional grade camera at the time, and got one for my 21st birthday, and although I loved my new toy, I never felt the same way about it as I did about the FE2. I love that camera, and still do.

My dad bought it for me because I was taking a photography class in my junior year of high school and was getting really into it. I was using my mother's old Olympus Trip - it was a rangefinder from the late sixties, early seventies, and is a great camera, but it is made for convenience and quality and not control.

I was reading a post about the FE2 online, and it sums up all my feelings about it. I know at the time Nikon made it, they intended it as a semi-professional camera, but professionals used it because they saw the combination of control and ruggedness. It had features not available on cameras at the time, no matter what the price-point - like a flash sync speed of 1/250, affordable lenses at 1.8 aperture, and TTL flash metering.

My dad bought it from a professional photographer in Jamaica in 1993. He photographed car races, so he included an amazing telephoto lens, a 50mm lens and all manner of bells and whistles. I think my dad paid $250.

This camera was a total surprise for me. It wasn't a birthday or Christmas present - it was just something my dad came back from Jamaica with because he knew I needed one. I remember him telling me that it had been loved and used by a professional for years, and that when the guy bought it in 1983, it was top of the range. It wasn't until I started researching it later, and showing it to photography professors and people generally interested in photography and getting "ooohs" and "aahhhhs" that I realized what a gem I had.

Truly, this camera, in 2010, is still top of its game. I still love it above all others. I don't know if it's because I have used it forever, or because it is just an inherently pleasurable camera to use, that I feel so at home and "in the zone" taking pictures with it. The pictures it takes are better than my F100 ever took and I don't know if it's because I am (I'm getting cheesy here) at one with this camera, or it's just a better camera. What I read online backs up my thought that it's just a damn good timeless output from Nikon - Nikon at its best. I feel so much joy taking pictures with it. I know its quirks, and it has some. The light meter is perfectly calibrated, but I know if I underexpose the ISO by a third of a stop, I get pictures more consistent with my aesthetic. I've been doing that with it for at least ten years.

Tonight, I went out around the lake and took pictures. The light was gorgeous. It was about 6:15 when I started and about 7 when I got home. The light was that spring, just before dark, ethereal magical light and you can't help but take good pictures with that. I find myself very drawn to water lately, and I keep going back to the lake. I love the way in smells in spring. There's something about listening to the water and smelling it that helps me get in the right mode for taking pictures. I just let my right brain take over. I love my right brain right now because it doesn't think - it just takes in the elements and reacts to them. When I am out there, fiddling with technology and trying to express myself through it, I don't have to think - I can just be. That's why I am doing this - it's the only thing that lets my brain stop.

This isn't my exact camera, but the closest image I could find to it. I'm sure it looks like an ancient dinosaur, but if you actually know how to take pictures in the first place, and not just digitally manipulate them after the fact, this is the camera you need.

I could go into a rant, like I did earlier today, about digital photography. In fact, I probably will go into that rant. Here it is:

I don't have a problem with digital photography, at all, but I am glad I came of photographic age right at the cusp of the change, and I am glad I actually had to learn about the way light hits film. I did learn with film, but the concept is similar for digital - it's just hitting a sensor instead. However, the way digital cameras are set up is inherently based on the increasingly obsolete language of film. If you don't know film, you don't really know how digital cameras work either. Digital cameras still use ISO (even though there is no film) and shutter speeds and aperture, although in a weird way, it shouldn't really matter with digital - it can capture the image no matter what. The limitations were set by film.

I'm glad I learnt those limitations because it taught me how light works - it taught me to look at the light at different times of day and taught me about the optimal film, the optimal times of day, and the optimal creative choices, and I still base my aesthetics upon that. I'm sure if I had a digital SLR, I would and could stretch those boundaries, but shooting for years with a manual SLR taught me to seek out the moments when great things are really possible, not just shoot, hope for the best, and hope I can fix it later in Photoshop.

I've heard this so much from people lately, and although I see the advantages inherent in digital, and I do like them, especially the lack of expense from processing and scanning, I still think it is better to get it right in camera than to go to the effort and time of fixing it afterwards, and that is what I hear so much from people. If you can do it right, and you know the way a camera works, you shouldn't have to fix it. The art is photography, not fixing your mistakes after you've taken the picture. Maybe I'm bitter because I had to try hard and I had to take many rolls of bad film in order to finally start getting it right, but I don't think so, because those bad rolls of film taught me how to do it right, and now,  it engenders a confidence with my equipment, even when I do shoot digital. I know what's going on, and it doesn't bother me if I can't see the image straight away because I already have an idea, from my knowledge of how light works, of how it's going to look before/if I see it on an LCD screen. That's what's missing, and I think sometimes that the instant gratification from that LCD screen kills creativity and negates the adventurous spirit required of a photographer when shooting film. I know it takes practice and a certain amount of blind faith, and a certain amount of failure, but the knowledge gained from that is invaluable.

I had a teacher at Watkins College Of Art and Design who believed in the absolute truth of slide film. Slide film has very little latitude for error, so he said, if you can shoot slide film with confidence, you can learn how a camera works and make fewer errors in exposure. It forces compliance and competency, and honestly, that was the best lesson I learned about the behaviour of light and our ability to capture and express with it. I think it is still true. I think it would be a good experiment to take everyone who thinks they are competent with a digital camera and make them go out with a manual SLR and shoot slide film. It could be a new reality show! That might be one I would watch.

Finally, Zeiss Pictures!

I finally picked up my scans today. I have more, but I'm posting this album of Old Hickory and Rayon City first. These were all taken with my Zeiss Ikon Ikoflex TLR, made sometime in the '40s or '50s. I love the dreamy look; it doesn't look like a new camera, but the images are sharp and some have an interesting vignette in the corners - I think that happens by tilting the camera upwards. Old Hickory has a lot to offer a photographer with a penchant for junky retro vintage and I look forward to exploring more with this camera.

Old Hickory and Rayon City

Old Hickory Dam and Marina

Shutter Control

I begin this post with a shout out to Mr. B., who when posed with the challenge of naming my new blog, quickly and creatively suggested not one, but two, titles. I chose Light and Dark because of the play on the art of photography and the nature of the human heart (particularly mine). His other title, Shutter Control, sums up how I feel today.

It's been approximately a month since the break-up, this monumental break-up that took 20 minutes to end a relationship I thought would be important, monumental, and epitomized my vision of love, and has left me struggling to find my feet, to gain back some sense of control after it proverbially tossed me from the top of the tower to land groaning on the ground. I have a vision in my head of the wooden puppet on strings tangled up in a heap on the cold earth. Helping hands picked up the controls and twisted me back into a semblance of a human figure again, but I have had to find my own feet and can't rely on people pulling my strings forever.

I've been crying all day. It's been one of those days - I had to pull it together somewhat at work, but on my trip to Wolf during lunch, the tears started, were quelled, and sprang up again on my way out the door. My mother had to listen to me bawling all the way to Gallatin, where I had to get it together and tutor my girls. She, in her motherly wisdom, said teaching would take over and I would feel better after. She was right. Mr. W., who also had me crying on the phone, suggested when I feel like this, I should take pictures. He told me to just stop the car and shoot something. On the way home, at almost sunset, I did. I pulled the car over and took some dusk shots of a barn, an old farmhouse and a liquor store (I love taking pictures of liquor stores - do I have to ask what that says about me?). I had the FE2 in the car and I'm learning to get in the habit of taking it everywhere. I started to get angry tonight. There's a huge part of me that wants to yell and scream at him and present the mess he created so he will have to look it in the face and see what he's done. It seems that he walked out the door and it's all too easy for him to look away and distract himself with the next shiny object, possibly one much more outwardly shiny than myself (but not inwardly - we know that isn't possible).

Shutter control: a skill to master that facilitates the expression of emotion and beauty. There aren't many things in my world under my control right now. I have a temporary job and am engaged in the nebulous task of searching for a "good job," a car that is still kicking, but who knows for how long, a relationship that has died,  parents who are moving across the planet, finances on the constant brink of collapse - you get the idea - but one thing I can control is the movement of light through a lens to hit a piece of film. That I can do, with increasing finesse.

I dropped off more film at Wolf this afternoon, but my scans are still not back. Tomorrow, I hope.

Days Off

It's been a great couple of days off. Not working this weekend, and getting all the adventure out of my system allowed me to have a great couple of days just hanging around the house, doing laundry, cleaning, and listening to music. Although the only place I've ventured in the past couple of days has been Aldi, I haven't felt confined or bored. The whole house is clean. Mr. W. came over tonight and we grilled a delicious pork tenderloin on Stephen, the grill (yes, I named my grill), plus some of Claire's special potatoes in an aluminium foil pouch, complete with newly sprouted chives from the garden. The weather has been gorgeous and I've had the windows open for two days, much to Martin's delight (he's the cat). He is currently running around the house like he's on a mission; there must be another cat outside. It's a funny sight to see this cat running (it's more like jogging actually) around the house because he's huge, and just a little rotund, so it's not entirely a graceful process, as one would generally expect from a cat.

I haven't taken any pictures since Monday night, although Mr. B. and I were talking about someone he knew who made it her prerogative to take at least one photograph every day, just to get back into photography, and I think that's an excellent idea. I plan to take the FE2 to work with me tomorrow and find something to take pictures of. I may get to pick up my CDs from Wolf tomorrow during my lunch break. Picking them up after work is not possible because of a tutoring appointment right after work, so I think I can swing it on my lunch break if I get to work early tomorrow. If so, there will be pics to post tomorrow.

The storm of bitterness is not quite as bitter as expected, but it's getting there. I am trying to adjust my thought processes accordingly. I guess I'm just not a bitter, vengeful person, and I've been through several relationships and done many stupid things, and in return, had many stupid things done to me, so in a sense, I seem like I at least understand the motivations behind the stupidity. I wish I didn't. I wish I could just hate, or find reserves of anger I don't seem to have. It just hurts, as raw as it was the day it happened. I'm coping with it better, but it still feels the same, and all I know how to do is channel it into some sort of creativity. I hope that works. I guess you'll know I'm angry if I start taking really angry pictures sometime soon.

Yes, he is most definitely gone, and I have to believe that he is gone and he is living his idyllic little life with nary a thought of the past seven months. I just don't exist for him. He has just wiped me out. I have to do the same.

Wilson County Fair

The aforementioned man who unceremoniously dumped me took me to the Wilson County Fair last August. It was a gorgeous night, hot, but pleasant and almost stormy. The feeling in the air was magical. We rode the Ferris wheel and took cheesy (but cute) pictures in a photobooth and ate deep-fried Oreos. I wanted to post these pictures without bitterness, because I feel like tonight is the last night I will feel this way. The storm of bitterness approaches. I don't want to hate him, or even dislike him, or even blame him for what he did, but in order to move on, I must villify him somewhat just to protect myself and form some path for the future.
But for now, here are the beautiful, magical pictures from that night.

I should mention that these pictures were just taken with a Fujifilm point and shoot - 7.1 megapixels, I think. I'm actually amazed at the quality of images I get from this camera. It's little, and conveniently purse-sized.

Wilson County Fair, Continued

The Old Yazoo Brewery

Here are a couple more. The one in the middle is City House. Once again, I took that in colour, but it looks better in black and white. I so feel like I'm cheating when I can push a button and it's suddenly a gorgeous black and white picture, but seriously, this is the digital age, and I need to get over my dinosaur self.

Here are some pictures I took the other day on my lunch break at the old Yazoo Brewery in Marathon Village. These were taken with my trusty FE2 on 35mm film. I was just bored, needed to get out of the office, and playing around. I've spent a lot of time there in the past year, and the place has some wonderful and some bittersweet memories. The originals were colour print film, but playing around in Picasa produced much better results in black and white.