Come To The Dark Side

I did it. I went digital. Three weeks ago, I got a Sony A330 and have since shot two weddings. Pictures to come, with permission of the brides. I'm busy learning Photoshop and Bridge. Be happy for me.

The Amazing Swim

I've been recovering from bronchitis/sinus infection Hell for the past couple of weeks, and rather typically, becoming impatient and frustrated with my body when I don't recover quickly enough. I went swimming on Sunday, did fine, went again on Monday and ached all the way through it and had difficulty breathing, went Tuesday and was miserable - I struggled to breathe, couldn't find any energy and just thoroughly felt defeated. I started to berate myself on the way home because I could only do a lethargic 25 lengths. Of course, I snowballed this self-abuse into me giving up on it entirely and getting tired of things too quickly. I said to a friend to tonight that if I were as mean to anyone else as I am to myself, I probably wouldn't speak to me.

Yesterday, an act of God intervened. I went to the Y and the pool was closed because of thunder and lightening. I didn't want to hang around downtown for it to re-open, so I just headed home and decided to go over to Miss B.'s for dinner and wine spritzers with her and her young though incredibly smart and charming new man-friend.

A night of good food, wine, Scrabble and good old Nashville guitar playing did me the world of good, even though I exceeded my calorie goals (OH NO!) and got a little tipsy and home too late.

Today I braved the pool after my divinely intentioned Day of Rest and knew immediately on dipping myself into the water that I was back! I sailed through the water effortlessly and just rejoiced in the feel of it around my skin and revelled in my ability to glide through it. Today, I managed to swim more than half my lengths front-crawl, and finished 1600 metres in under half an hour. I was actually out of breath when I got out of the pool and felt like I had an incredible workout. I was proud of my body and what it can do.

When I left the Y, I actually felt high on the endorphins. I truly enjoyed my workout. I am glad I have got to the point where it is fun, challenging and a high point in my day, not a chore or just a way to burn calories. I'm actually doing this for my mental as well as physical well-being. Not being able to work out properly until today has left me stressed and frustrated and I am grateful to finally feel like myself again.

More of the Same

Hello dear readers. It seems I haven't written in close to a month, but I just re-read my last blog and I am happy to announce I've continued according to the plan laid out then. I'm still swimming, still eating well, and still going to bed early.

Despite swimming regularly and eating well, I've been plagued with not feeling well for the past month. I had a weird stint of vertigo that lasted about three weeks, followed by a cold that turned into bronchitis and a sinus infection, so it has been difficult to maintain the good habits. I had to take three days off work (for which I did not get paid) and I've had to take a week off from swimming. I'm finally beginning to feel somewhat better, so I plan to swim this afternoon, and I know it will be difficult because I haven't done it for a week. I was getting pretty good there - I even got up to a mile! There's not much else going on really. I'm just eating well, exercising, and am pleased to say I'm losing weight. I'm currently wearing a pair of jeans that haven't fit since last September. I don't feel deprived in the least. I just finished eating a breakfast consisting of coffee with real cream and a whole wheat bagel with cream cheese and smoked salmon and capers. I've cut down my portions significantly (I think that comes from not eating for three weeks - I never picked the appetite back up) and I'm trying to eat a lot of fish, fruit, whole grains and vegetables (oh and some chocolate thrown in for good measure).

I've also cut down on drinking. I figure it doesn't do me much good to swill down caloric depressants every night when I'm trying to battle that sort of thing. Also, the swimming makes me feel good and I find I don't really want to drink. This has cut down significantly on the calories I'm ingesting daily, and from what I can see, my efforts are working.

The Mind and Body Connection

I had a little bit of an epiphany today. For the past few months, I've been trying to fix my mind and my heart, and all efforts have, in truth, failed, but I noticed that recently I've begun to do something else, and it wasn't initially a planned thing. I think I was feeling rotten, so I started to take steps to fix it, and that meant fixing what is going on physically first, and if I feel good in body, the theory goes, maybe the mind and eventually the heart will follow.

I stopped smoking. Actually, joining the Y happened first, but the smoking stopped about 2 days later. I knew exercise would do it, but I thought the actual quitting process would happen much more slowly; however, after the first full day swimming and a night out on which I smoked a ridiculous amount of Camel Crushes, enough to make myself sick really, I quit, suddenly, and without any of the usual crutches. I quit smoking the first time in 2002 after smoking for seven years and that time, I needed the patch. I quit again last year (after starting again, obviously) and I needed the patch again, but this time, I was able to go the full cold turkey. I don't know why that makes me prouder, or more in control, but it does. I finally killed the nicotine craving all by myself. Go me!

The swimming: I adore the swimming. I think I have more of an addiction to the way it makes me feel rather than the actual process of doing it, although I love that too. A friend asked if I found swimming laps boring, I suppose because you can't listen to music or watch TV, but I enjoy not having those distractions and I enjoy consciously working on improving my stroke and my time and monitoring how my body reacts to the challenges I set for it. I enjoy reaping the rewards of the effort becoming easier, or at least smoother, and being able to do a little bit more, or do the same a little bit better, each day.

After getting out of the pool, I feel strangely calm. After not having the opportunity to swim yesterday or today, I feel uptight, both physically and mentally. My mood is distracted and anxious and I can't wait to get back in the pool tomorrow. I mentioned earlier that I started exercising to reduce my anxiety level, and it has, but I already feel stronger, and I can already see improvements in my body (or my figure, as my grandma would say). It's amazing what can happen in two weeks.

Like bad habits, it seems good habits also have a domino effect, or come together because the mutual benefits are greater than the singular. I have mentioned previously my rotten eating habits the past few months. My stomach has been constantly upset and intolerant of anything weird, so I ate a lot of stodge: chicken, bread, butter, some salad. That's about it. Well, now I've cut out the butter and the white bread, started eating more fish, taking my lunch to work, and actually planning ahead for meals, like, you know, an adult or something. Today, two ladies in the cafeteria said to each other within purposeful earshot of me, "Can we bash her over the head and steal her lunch?" I haven't cooked inside in about two months. The little Weber porch grill has cooked everything, and that makes for healthier eating too. I find when I cook for myself, I generally lose weight. There are some great things about being single, and one is the act of controlling exactly what you eat and when, and not having to compromise with someone else so often over food choices.

Sleep: Oh dear readers, I do not sleep. I've had trouble with this since college and when there are stressors in my life, the problem manifests itself severely. For the past several months, I've been averaging about four hours' sleep a night, if I'm lucky, but I took steps to take care of this problem also. The doctor said I have all the symptoms of chronic insomnia, and prescribed more exercise and sleepy pills. I don't really have to take the pills all that often - just knowing they are there and I won't have to lie awake all night helps most of the time, and the swimming really wears me out, but even if I'm dead to the world tired, my mind keeps ticking and won't let me sleep. This week's goal has been Project Early Night. I've been in bed before ten every night, comfy and reading. I don't set a limit on how long I can read - just no phone, no computer, and no other distractions.

This is my plan for now. I take one day at a time, and try to make improvements one little step at a time. I'm hoping the physical improvements and the benefit of endorphins will work their magic on me. I also haven't forgotten about the healing benefits of creativity and am about to text Miss. L. to ask if she wants to work on our photo project this weekend. We are still brainstorming and it has been on hiatus because she went on vacation, but the plan is still very much in the works.

Do You Belong in a Stall?

Really, because some people have only slightly better manners than animals who do.

To the person at work who talks on her cell phone in the bathroom stall:

I want to pee in peace!!!! I DO NOT want whoever is on the other end of YOUR conversation hearing me pee. Perhaps I'm old fashioned, or some sort of crazy privacy freak, but I hold the belief that being in a public restroom should entitle one to at least some modicum of privacy. Get off the damn phone. Go somewhere else. I'm sure your husband/boyfriend/child/friend doesn't want to hear you peeing either.

That's it. That's my rant for today.

Apologies

I do apologize, dear readers, for the lack of activity on this blog over the past couple of weeks. A couple of posts ago, I explained I was feeling a little down in the dumps, which actually has continued for a while, despite my best efforts to kick the doldrums into the middle of the proverbial "next week" for several past weeks. I also have developed a mysterious ailment, the origin of which is completely bamboozling both me and my doctor: I have, at this point, almost constant vertigo. This started about three weeks ago, when I stood up at work and felt suddenly lightheaded and as if my legs would buckle. The occurrences of this have become so often that it feels like I am dizzy all the time. I am finding it difficult to function under these circumstances. I have been depressed, had panic and anxiety attacks, and now, on top of this, I am constantly dizzy and nauseous. My doctor's best guess is a viral infection, cause unknown, that will "probably" work its way out. I hope probably turns out to be pretty probable, because I feel awful.

I have to go to work tomorrow, and I am dreading being there and feeling terrible all day. The only time I feel better, weirdly enough, is when I'm swimming. The only explanation I have is that I'm on a different equilibrium in the water, so I don't feel sick or dizzy.

I joined the Y, dear readers. I decided that the legacy of AMWUDM would not be the destruction of my health. I quit smoking, cold turkey, twelve days ago, two days after I joined the Y and started swimming, after work, as often as my schedule will allow. I started swimming to feel better, to thwart depression, moodiness, apathy, and to gain some energy. It wouldn't hurt if it continued to help me lose weight (I'm already much skinnier post break-up - that is one good thing), but some toning wouldn't hurt either, especially as I happen to know that the post break-up weight reaction has not gone quite the same way for the other party involved. I hate to say it, but that gives me impetus to be fit, healthy, and look good. Perhaps that's spiteful, but I don't really care - it's all about me at this point, and what makes ME feel good, and knowing that I do and will look a hundred times better than I did then gives me a kind of smug satisfaction. Well, whatever it takes to motivate, right?

Really Good Thai Food!

So, the other night, NGIHOW and I went to eat Thai at this restaurant on Nolensville Road. I was in one of those moods where I was starving and couldn't make a decision. I kept saying I wanted Greek food but couldn't think of anywhere decent to get it. After a while, Mr. J. (or NGIHOW) made the observation that I was not making any concrete suggestions but just picking fault with everyone else's. He was right, and I told him so, so I conceded and decided to put my night's culinary fate in his hands. It was a good choice. Notoriously picky about Thai food and not a fan of Royal Thai or Siam Cuisine, I didn't have high expectations, despite Mr. J's good endorsement. I should have trusted him because the food was excellent and very cheap. I recommend the Tiger Tear Salad and the Fresh Spring Rolls. He was jealous of my salad, and even ate a good amount of it, although I couldn't really share his as he ordered it hot as hellfire.

Finding new, inexpensive, out of the way cuisine is one of my favourite things in life - it's one of the pleasures that makes life occasionally delicious and worth living, so when I do find these gems, I share them with you.